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A Mad Experiment in Living

by Delenn Jadzia

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1.
Stealing Horses 03:32
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Something is tangled up and caught inside my chest A broken wire hanger or some string There’s a hole between my ribs through which I tried to fish it out And I still feel the way the edges sting Oh I think I’ve lost my mind Basket case does not quite cover This brain, I will need another Oh Please let your words be kind Remind me I should stay the course when I’m back out there stealing horses Someone has been watching through the curtains of my room And in the living room through slats between the blinds They keep their vision on me while I’m trying hard to write I’m scared that they might learn to read my mind Oh I think I’ve lost my mind Basket case does not quite cover This brain, I will need another Oh Please let your words be kind Remind me I should stay the course when I’m back out there stealing horses Somewhere there is someone with a copy of my brain Even sicker than I am, I fear But I’m not getting better just because someone is worse I don’t want to lose another year Oh I think I’ve lost my mind Basket case does not quite cover This brain, I will need another Oh Please let your words be kind Remind me I should stay the course when I’m back out there stealing horses Oh I think I’ve lost my mind Basket case does not quite cover This brain, I will need another Oh Please let your words be kind Remind me I should stay the course when I’m back out there stealing horses
2.
Isla Vista 02:35
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We’ll be high in our twenties til we’re drunk in our forties Who cares about the memories for all the times before these Let’s smoke and drink on porches until the days get colder just laugh it off for now and then be better when we’re older Cause shit we’re twenty-three Our beaches are borderline pornographic And every girl is just a little bit sapphic Streets without sidewalks corners without stop signs Tied sneakers and power lines We’ll be high in our twenties til we’re drunk in our forties Who cares about the memories for all the times before these Let’s smoke and drink on porches until the days get colder just laugh it off for now and then be better when we’re older Cause shit we’re twenty-three You grabbed the back of my bike wearing your rollerblades We’re sailing twenty-five, a two person parade I borrow cuttings from your neighbor’s garden for my own Smoking on the beach with a friend cause I won’t go alone We’ll be high in our twenties til we’re drunk in our forties Who cares about the memories for all the times before these Let’s smoke and drink on porches until the days get colder just laugh it off for now and then be better when we’re older Cause shit, we’re twenty-three Oh shit, we’re twenty-three
3.
What to Play and Sing on a Sunday 03:30
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I can’t stop crying Being in this place is a sin I know we’re dying Caving in This is what to play and sing on a Sunday Since the world let you down in its ways ‘cause you’ll never pray on a Sunday Hold your tongue, watch your back, walk away Then sing this at end of the day Shining gold Cathedrals But I remain unimpressed You have my people Oh God, I only want what’s best This is what to play and sing on a Sunday Since the world let you down in its ways Because you’ll never pray on a Sunday Hold your tongue, watch your back, walk away Then sing this at end of the day Why would our mother Let me feel this kind of pain I am so othered It’s not my place to complain This is what to play and sing on a Sunday Since the world let you down in its ways Because you’ll never pray on a Sunday Hold your tongue, watch your back, walk away Then sing this at end of the day
4.
Internalize 02:45
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Mom is gonna kill someone with her car An alcoholic at the wheel can never get too far A cortex racing, with thoughts that never slowed As I’m sitting here, she’s blazing down the road But I know It’s not your fault if someone dies ‘cause even grown you can’t expect To cut her down to size I promise “Nothing bad will happen” Oh she lies Bide your temper Internalize Dad sits on a bed in the back of a motel Waiting for the egg to drop and fin’ly crack its shell Three pills left of methaqualone And too many voicemails waiting on my phone But I know It’s not your fault if someone dies ‘cause even grown you can’t expect To cut him down to size I promise “Nothing bad will happen” Oh he lies Bide your temper Internalize The halls quake in the wake of this romantic fight Overflowing laundry bins, bellyaches, and spite Disappear to go cheer for football teams on Sunday Empty bottle souvenirs scattered in the driveway It’s not your fault if someone dies ‘cause even grown you can’t expect To cut them down to size I promise “Nothing bad will happen” Oh they lie Bide your temper Internalize
5.
Class of '05 03:41
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I stayed here for eighteen years after the Princess Bride Now a plane has brought me back home from the coast Nothing here has changed a fact that I should take in stride My ‘05 class reunion is chasing ghosts Got knocked up by some guys that we knew and lost your maiden names This cold nostalgia beckons back to cheers from football games Autumn’s long forgotten, mem’ries I apperceive Cause you all peaked in high school Stayed and wouldn’t leave Back in town sailing garages feels a bit surreal $3.59 a gallon for the gas Signs blur by reminding me that hell’s indeed still real Conserving both objections and my mass Got knocked up by some guys that we knew and lost your maiden names This cold nostalgia beckons back to cheers from football games Autumn’s long forgotten, mem’ries I apperceive Cause you all peaked in high school Stayed and wouldn’t leave Despite what you claim you’re not colorblind yet A victim of this place, a generational mindset Your case is terminal and tragically lifelong Ms MTV generation will never hear this song Got knocked up by some guys that we knew and lost your maiden names This cold nostalgia beckons back to cheers from football games Autumn’s long forgotten, mem’ries I apperceive Cause you all peaked in high school Stayed and couldn’t leave
6.
Cigarette Nostalgia 02:37
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It doesn’t matter which brand you get, they’ll all give you cancer Two packs a day for twenty years, not slowing down You ask me how I’m feeling but I can’t find the answer My friends died years ago, this rolodex is a ghost town White-knuckled living is the only way I know how to try I’ll come to terms with pushing through the cold This is who I know that I will always have to be But my cigarette nostalgia’s getting old It doesn’t matter which strain you pick, they’ll will get you high I know we throw away these lives we elevate It’s blazing through my bones like a heatwave in July Hot boxing dented cars soaring down the interstate White-knuckled living is the only way I know how to try I’ll come to terms with pushing through the cold This is who I know that I will always have to be But my cigarette nostalgia’s getting old Pick your poison Doesn’t matter which Any of this liquor Will scratch the itch I can smell it on you Know where you’ve been It’s all those smokes That are keeping you thin White-knuckled living is the only way I know how to try I’ll come to terms with pushing through the cold This is who I know that I will always have to be But my cigarette nostalgia’s getting old
7.
Intertwined 03:10
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You swear you’re not upset with me but I wish you were Because if you were angry there might still be a cure I promise what I told you was just hyperbole I don’t know what the fuck to do with this / I guess I’ll climb a tree I think we got our wires crossed You’ve left me drunk and high Because you say I’m just too young To always want to die They’re my friends yes they should know But you should know I’m fine You might be my soulmate But our thoughts aren’t intertwined I should be crying right now up here where I sit Does the fact that I’m stoic mean that I’m a hypocrite? Can’t you see that you’re lucky that you don’t feel this way Sorry that I keep fucking up your week / this is my every day I think we got our wires crossed You’ve left me drunk and high Because you say I’m just too young To always want to die They’re my friends yes they should know But you should know I’m fine You might be my soulmate But our thoughts aren’t intertwined Never mind that I dream of lacing drinks with foxglove I know sharing my thoughts is impolite I’d rather share a bowl with the people that I love Keep me grounded while I’m up out of sight I think we got our wires crossed You’ve left me drunk and high Because you say I’m just too young To always want to die They’re my friends yes they should know But you should know I’m fine You might be my soulmate But our thoughts aren’t intertwined
8.
Steamed Vegetables 03:06
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There is something in the air The opposite of falling into love must be a falling out Every last part used to care But what’s left can’t help but fill me with doubt My beating heart has stilled But you didn’t do anything to make me hate you more The little things they build I know how I used to live but that was me before I’m left steaming vegetables And eating them alone Cutting out the saccharine Strips me to the bone But I’ll build a better palette And learn to take it slow Sometimes you have to do these things Because they help you grow Hm Hesitation after falter But there’s worse I could have done than what I had to do Like leave you at the altar Or end it on the phone, leave a soulmate without a clue I am still in heartbreak Over what I had to do, my choice so I’m okay Smile, plaster, fake Even though I let you go I wish that you could stay I’m left steaming vegetables And eating them alone Cutting out the saccharine Strips me to the bone But I’ll build a better palette And learn to take it slow Sometimes you have to do these things Because they help you grow Hm

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released September 23, 2022

Written by Delenn Jadzia, G. Pletschet, and Hannah Z Morley.

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Delenn Jadzia Santa Barbara, California

Acoustic tracks tackling mental health and the complex parts of life. Give my music a chance, and I feel like something will hit home.

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